"Girl, I love..." No.
"Girl, I love your..."
No, that ain't it.
"Girl, I love your style.
"I love when you get that smile.
"You should be in a magazine, because you're a queen.
"Our love is everything."
- Percy? - Not right now. I'm busy.
You got a girl in there?
What kind of question is that, "You got a woman in here?"
I didn't know. I heard you talking.
- I'm in here doing my vows. - Vows?
For this ridiculous party my wife is losing her mind over!
This extravaganza is costing a lot of money. Now she wants us to renew our vows.
What was wrong with what I said the first time?
- What's wrong with "I do"? I did, didn't I? - Yes, you did.
- Women, boy. - I know. Women, it's just a whole other...
You know what? I think it's cool you're just doing the lyrics from that song.
I wrote this on the way to work this morning.
- You wrote that on the way to work? - Yeah.
Were you listening to the radio when you wrote it? 'Cause I think it's B2K.
Okay, then. If this is to a song, tell me what the next line is.
Baby, turn around
And let me see that sexy body go bump, bump, bump
That's it.
Go.
Reggie.
See your sexy smile and bump, bump?
- Three bumps. - Three bumps.
See your sexy smile and you bump, bump
See your sexy smile and you
Hey, boss. Did I hear Theresa's bringing a new boyfriend to your anniversary party?
Yes.
What? I'm fine with it.
- So, you met him? - Nope. I pulled his credit report.
- You didn't. - I sure as hell did.
Fred, this young brother is a stockbroker for J.P. Oliver.
- Theresa? I don't believe it. - Marilyn said she's crazy about him.
And this boy's credit report, I'm telling you, is a thing of beauty.
I almost cried.
Wow, this guy sounds too good to be true.
He probably is. But the brother has a job.
- I'm glad you think that way... - That's right, my friend. A J-O-B!
...but I quit.
- I quit! - Simon, calm down.
I'm just trying to explain to you how the world works.
It's the clients, I'm just explaining...
None of my clients seem to care. This guy didn't seem to care, did he?
Come on. Don't be so sensitive.
That's not how the world works. It's how your world works.
Simon, sit down. Simon!
Jerk.
I don't need you, Nathan!
I don't need J.P. Oliver.
My résumé is good enough. I can get a job anywhere I want. I'm out of here.
I'm not going to freak out!
What am I going to tell Theresa?
What am I going to tell her?
"Baby, you know how you're always saying I'm at the office too much?
"Well, great news!"
I'll meet my future father-in-law and tell him I'm unemployed. That'll be great.
Okay. I'll get the next one.
I can't quit my job!
I'm not gonna beg for this job!
- I got $20 says he goes up again. - I'll take some of that.
Oh, my God! I just quit my job!
I don't need this job! No.
Here he comes.
- Hi. - Have a good one.
Hello, Liz. Simon Green here.
Simon! What's up?
Every investment I've made in the last six months.
Listen. That job you offered me. Tell me it's still open.
Why? What happened?
I'll tell you about it later. Can you talk to Bartlett for me?
Are you kidding? I'm e-mailing him right now.
When he finds out you asked about this...
he will go nuts!
Liz, thank you.
Theresa? Baby?
You're home early.
Really early. Hi.
- Got out of there quick. - Good. Then come on, help me with these.
What have we got?
Tumi.
- That's nice. When did we get this? - Got them today.
Combined incomes. Bling bling, baby!
Yeah. Bling bling.
Baby?
God. You should have heard Dad's voice on the phone...
when I told him you work for J.P. Oliver.
I feel like he's more in love with you than I am.
- Really? - Yeah. You don't understand.
Ever since I can remember, his whole thing has been about:
"Theresa, does that boy have a job?"
- It's a good thing I do then, huh? - I know.
I'm so excited! Aren't you excited?
Theresa, a man is never excited about meeting his future father-in-law.
You know, I was thinking. Maybe we should postpone telling them.
What?
- It was your idea. - I know.
But I'm thinking now that maybe it was a bad idea.
No, I think it's a great idea.
Announcing our engagement at my parents' party...
is gonna be the best present we can give them.
Babe, Mom's gonna flip.
See, I'm not worried about your mom. I was thinking about...
him.
See, he's about ready to pop a blood vessel...
in his head, because you guys are losing a basketball game.
No, we were winning that game. Yeah.
We're bringing in a canopy here.
Swags of tulle with festoons.
Sprays of roses.
Parquet dance floor here.
Guests will be seated at tables in Chiavari chairs.
Very clean, very simple, very elegant.
And rose petals on the lawn. And not just a few...
oodles.
At my wedding, we had oodles of petals. It was fabulous.
At that wedding, was a woman involved?
Of course it involved a woman.
If she's not a woman, it's gonna be a surprise to both of us. Hello!
- Look. - I'll tell you, this is going to be some party.
Twenty-five years of marriage.
- More power to you, pal. - Thank you.
- Hey, baby. - Sorry I'm late.
My vice principal called in sick today...
so it was just me against 208 middle-schoolers.
I swear half of them ate pure sugar for breakfast.
Hi, Dante.
- So, Percy, which one do you like best? - I like that...
Is your name Percy?
Which one costs the most?
- They cost the same. - They don't cost the same.
This one's from Saks. This one's from Macy's.
Saks!
Thank you. And now I can give my honest opinion.
- I'm digging that one, baby. - Really?
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm wearing this one.
Hallelujah.
Sweetheart.
- Yeah? - Listen.
Why do you even bother asking me?
'Cause it's a big day for us and I wanted you to feel included.
Why couldn't you include Martha Superfreak out there?
Dante is a nice man.
A nice man.
A nice man that part of the time likes to sleep with other nice men.
Will you stop it?
Would you open your mind, Percy Jones? Dante is a metrosexual.
- A what? - He's a straight man with taste.
No such thing. You might as well tell me he rode over here on a unicorn.
Look, serious face, serious moment.
I need to talk to you.
I know, baby. I'm working on my vows. Almost got them perfect.
- That's sweet, but that's not it. - What is it?
This boy that Theresa's bringing home?
I don't know who his people are, where he's from...
I don't know anything about him.
But what I do know is that I need you to be nice.
I'm always nice.
Let's be nice long enough to find out who the boy is.
I already know who he is.
- You pulled his credit report? - I did not.
You pulled his credit report, Percy?
I mean, I glanced at it.
But a credit report don't tell you the character of a man.
But being a loan officer for 22 years...
I can size that boy up in an instant.
And you know I got a knack for it. You know that.
Five seconds. That's all I need.
That's all I need.
- Nobody knows that better than me. - Say what?
I didn't stutter.
I'm not so good with dads, baby.
I'm good with moms. I'm better with moms.
He's a big guy, right?
Scary big. He also has these...
piercing eyes that just burn right into your soul.
Don't maintain eye contact for a long period of time. At least today, okay?
Babe, I'm kidding. Just relax. It's gonna be fun.
Okay?
- Did you tell them? - What? Tell them what?
- Babe, don't... The... - What?
- Did you... I'm... - Cute? Clean-shaven? What?
Pigment-challenged? Did you tell them that I'm white?
You're white?
Stop the car!
Oh, my God! Look at what you...
Oh, my God.
Simon, I'm so sorry.
- It was a joke, sir. I was kidding. - Yeah, sister. You're funny.
Simon, are you okay?
- Who are you? - Are you serious?
Why am I in Jersey?
- Don't worry. It's gonna be great, okay? - All right.
I'm very sorry. It was a bad joke.
- So, did you tell them? - No. I only told them the important things.
That I love you. That you're an amazing man.
That you have a very cute birthmark on your left butt cheek.
You just didn't feel the need to mention it's a Caucasian butt cheek. That was...
Simon, look. I didn't mention it because I don't think it's gonna matter.
It's gonna matter.
We're fine, sir.
Dad!
Look at this here. Oh, my God. Give your daddy a hug.
How are you?
Mom!
- Hey, my man. Percy Jones, baby. - Pleasure to meet you.
Man, look at this here. I like this, man. Nice, solid, strong grip.
Wow. That's something else.
Listen. You doing everything you can to make my daughter happy?
- No, Dad, it's... - Hey, sweetheart.
You can take that to the front door for me.
- Thank you. - No, you see, this...
Don't interrupt. I'm giving your friend a once-over here.
Sir? Don't stand like a statue. Take it to the front door.
That's that square with the hole. Look inside, you see furniture.
- Thank you. - Yes, sir.
You doing everything in your power to make her happy?
I'm not sure if I am, but I'd sure like a crack at it.
- Boy, I ought to drill you, man. I like him. - Okay, all right, listen.
Young man, don't worry about it. Relax.
I figure, what, $30? Get yourself some candy or something.
Dad, this is Simon.
Simon?
- That's her boyfriend's name. - That's right.
- Well, who are you? - Wesley Thompson. That's my cab.
But if you're still down with me making your girl happy...
I'm good to go.
- Why don't you just go? - Just...
I wish Theresa would have told me you guys were black.
That would have saved an awkward moment.
- Kind of like this one. - Yeah.
- Welcome home, sweetheart. - Thanks, Mom.
- Baby, let me get that. - I got it.
Lemonade.
Damn!
Ain't no need, us standing out here. Why don't we go on inside and talk?
Come on, we going on inside with a quickness. No use standing out here.
Just come on.
That boy's white.
Nothing gets past you.
I guess it's those 22 years as a loan officer.
- You knew about this. - I didn't know a thing, I promise you.
But I did figure it out after the second "Daddy!"
Why she just didn't say nothing? Give us a warning, you know?
We taught our girls to see only people, not color.
- I know that but... - So, what's the problem?
I guess the problem is she just didn't tell us.
I'm expecting Denzel Washington to come walking through the door...
and I get Whitey McWhiteman instead.
- Hi, you guys. - Hi!
I'm just showing Simon the house.
You've a very beautiful home, Mrs. Jones.
- Why, thank you. You can call me Marilyn. - Will do.
You, too, Mr. Jones.
Thank you. You can call me Mr. Jones.
I'm just kidding.
You got me. That was funny.
I'm making lemonade. You want to sit down?
- Yes, thank you. Sit down, babe. - Great.
So, Simon, they tell me you work at J.P. Oliver?
Yes, sir.
- You like it there? You been there long? - Well, it's a couple of years, I suppose.
- You moving up? - There's been some recent movement, yes.
- You a hard worker? You work hard? - The hardest.
- J.P. Oliver has a huge IPO coming up... - He doesn't want to hear about this.
But he's asking you about your work.
- I know, but you go into details... - He likes to be modest. Shut up.
Anyway, they made Simon their IPO... Wait, what is it? Point man?
And they're flying him to San Francisco on Monday.
I'm not going to see him for three days.
- So, Simon, what do your parents do? - Yeah.
- My mother is a realtor. - Mom, let me help you with that.
And she sells mini-blinds and teaches dance.
Damn. How many jobs your mama got?
She's a single parent. She's always been a hard worker.
What happened to your father?
He left when I was two and I haven't seen much of him since.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - It happens.
You play any sports?
I played some foosball in college.
- That's the table with the soccer guys... - I know what foosball is.
- Stupid joke. - It's not a sport.
Dad, stop badgering him.
I'm not badgering him. I'm just taking an interest.
I don't understand why you don't play sports? It don't make sense.
A man who don't play sports isn't a real man, as far as I'm concerned.
- I used to run a little. - What? Like track?
I mean, you don't look like a sprinter.
- What'd you run? Did you steeplechase? - Dad!
Come on, man. What was your race?
- Cars. - Cars.
- NASCAR. - NASCAR!
That was the one.
I had some hopes and some dreams and...
it all ended on a hot August day on a speedway in Charlotte.
It was a crash. Just...
They said I should've been killed.
Actually, I got out without a scratch. I figured that was a sign.
NASCAR?
Mostly I just worked in the pit.
I mean, I test drove for one of the drivers some, but...
What was his name?
Jay Gordon.
You drove for Jeff Gordon?
We called him Jay or J.G. It was like a pet name.
A pit name, actually.
NASCAR?
I believe I said I don't like to talk about that time in my life.
NASCAR?
What was I supposed to do?
He was staring at me with those piercing eyes.
- He was not. - It was like...
filled with piercing disappointment 'cause I don't play sports?
"A man who don't play sports isn't really a man now, is he?"
I had to give him something! He's big.
He's like... You said he was big, but he's big-big.
But why did you lie about NASCAR? My father loves NASCAR.
It's NASCAR, baby. That's, like, the whitest sport on the planet.
Not anymore, Simon.
There's, like, NASCAR and hockey.
Hockey. I should have went with hockey.
Don't worry. He'll forget about it. He's like this with everyone.
It always takes him some time to warm up to new people. That's all.
- What are we talking about here? - By Sunday, you'll be a part of this family.
I can tell he really likes you.
I don't like him.
And I really don't think the whole racial thing matters to him.
- It's not that he's white. - It's not?
- Is this yours or mine? - That's mine and that's for later.
No. I think it's for now.
- Lf memory serves me right, I think it's mine. - No, Simon.
Take it off!
- Take it off right now. - It's perfect on me.
- What are you doing? - Look at it. Red is my color.
- Always has been. Look at it. My goodness! - Simon, take it off.
But it fits me so perfectly.
Look, you're stretching it!
- Take it off right now. - It's not ruined.
It's nice. You take it off.
- I'm not joking. - You want some of this?
Stop it, Simon.
- Take it off. - You take it off.
Coming in.
Mom!
- I'm going to tell her right now. - Go and tell.
- What? - He's taking Simon to a hotel!
I'm paying for it. What's the problem?
- Can I speak to you? - You sure can.
Why are you taking him to a hotel?
You didn't see what they were about to do upstairs.
- Mom, we were just playing. - Well, playtime is over.
Mr. Jones, I'm not a cross-dresser.
Just for the record.
- A cross-dresser? - No.
What are you... It's lingerie.
- You shouldn't even be having any. - I'm a grown woman, Percy!
- It is not covering up the grown parts! - What!
Why does the young man have to go to a hotel?
Don't start with me. This is my house and my rules.
Your rules?
This house can't handle no more testosterone.
We cannot exceed the testosterone level.
We gotta keep it like that until the girls get married. Maybe even beyond that.
And I'm not suggesting anyone get married!
Why can't he stay in the basement, in your room?
Because that's my room! That's my stuff down there.
- How selfish. - That doesn't make sense.
It got mold, anyway.
Could be black mold. I wouldn't feel comfortable putting him at risk.
Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?
No, it's okay.
No, it's not okay! What are you talking about?
Look, this is your father's house. We're gonna play it by his rules.
Now, he's obviously set a testosterone standard.
And I'm going to abide by that.
- You falling for that? I'm going with you. - No, you're not gonna do that.
- You don't want me to go with you? - Of course I want you to!
But what?
- You need to stay here. - Hello?
You need to stay here.
- No. I want to be with you! - We're still here!
Are you two gonna be done soon, or maybe we should have a seat?
Come on, honey. Let's sit...
You need to help your mom with the party arrangements.
We don't want to stress them out, do we?
No.
- All right? - Yes.
- All right. We're all set. - I'm glad you all decided. Come on, let's go.
- Come on, get your stuff. Let's go. - Yeah. All right.
Where is he? Girl!
Oh, my God. Are we being audited?
- No, Keisha. - What's happening?
This is Simon. This is Theresa's boyfriend. This is Keisha, her little sister.
Go.
- Nice to meet you. - Oh, this... Yes. Nice to meet you, too.
Good, you all met. Take it to the car. I'll meet you out there.
- Dad, Theresa's boyfriend is white. - I know.
I know you know.
I just wanted to see your face when you heard it again.
Not now.
- Don't forget we have dinner reservations. - We'll meet you over there.
She was black as the night
Louie was whiter than white
Danger
Take a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls go doo do doo do doo
Looks like rain.
Nope.
- Those clouds look pretty threatening. - I live here. I know the weather.
So, Theresa tells me you're in charge of the loan department at the bank.
That must be a rewarding job.
I'm thinking about making a switch to a smaller company.
I just think there's less political garbage.
You think I don't deal with political garbage?
I got political garbage coming out my ass.
If I give a guy a loan, I'm married to him for 30 years.
If I deny him, I have to deal with him in church on Sunday.
- I know that feeling. - Don't try to act like our jobs are alike.
Good thing it isn't raining.
That's not rain. It's sprinkling.
You might want to turn on the windshield wipers.
I will once it starts raining.
Come on, you two, let's go.
- I don't want to be late. Keisha! - Coming!
Why you always got to knock on my door first?
'Cause you still live here.
Let's go. It's raining. I don't wanna be late.
Come on.
Okay, tell me what's it like?
- What's what like? - Being with a white guy.
- Come on, Keisha, what's the sex like? - Yeah.
Where's Mom?
She's downstairs, girl. Come on! Bring it.
Okay. You know that thing they say about the size? Completely the opposite.
- Really? - They're huge.
And not only are their penises big, but they can sing.
When they get excited, they sing up a storm.
They know a million tunes. They're like big iPods.
Cut it out. Stop it.
Keisha, seriously, is he nice?
- Yeah, and he's cute, too. - I know.
- What about Mom and Dad? - Mom is cool with it.
I mean, Dad, he seems, you know, a little on edge, but not more than usual.
Isn't he ever?
- Girls! - Coming!
But can I just say, I love you so much right now because...
- Why? ...from now on, no matter what I do, if I...
- crash Dad's car, or if I... - What's wrong?
...rob a bank...
- if I burn this house down... - Keisha.
...I won't be the one who brought home the white boy!
Thank you!
Mom!
- Can I help you with your bag, sir? - I'm okay. I got it.
You don't trust a working man with your bag?
No, I just... It's just one bag.
What do you think, he'll rifle through your luggage...
and steal your toothbrush and your fancy conditioner?
- No, that's not it at all. - Let me tell you something.
Theresa's grandfather was a bellman for over 60 years and he never stole nothing.
Could you get my bag?
What, he's your slave now?
No.
Did you want me to take your bag, sir?
I don't know.
- Next, please. - Okay.
Hi. Reservation for Percy Jones.
And that's Jones with a "J"?
No, Jones with a "P."
I made the reservation last week.
You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?
Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out 24 years ago...
when the doctor announced it was a girl.
- Here you are. - Good.
- We gave your room away. - What?
Check-in was at 4:00.
It's Thursday night. I'm quite sure you got another room available.
I'm sorry, we're completely booked and so is everyone else.
There's a Shriners convention in town, actually.
May I help you with anything else, Mr. Pjones?
I guess I'll have to stay at your house, then.
No, there's a crack hotel downtown. You'll be just fine. Come on.
Next.
Hi. Welcome to Cranford.
- I don't know what your basement's like... - It's damp. You'd hate it.
I don't think dampness is really an issue at this point.
You can't think about anything but getting back in the house with my daughter.
Mr. Jones, I'm in your house. I'll obey your rules.
Yeah, right. You'll obey Mr. Jones now...
but when you're up at 3:00 in the morning...
all hot and horny, you'll obey Mr. Johnson.
You heard the lady. There's no available hotel rooms in the whole town.
- I'm not gonna do anything. I swear. - Put your stuff in there. Come on.
You know, dinner's in about 10 minutes.
I don't know what Marilyn is like about schedule, but I know Theresa is...
Stay out of that storm.
All right. You can stay in my basement.
But you remember one thing. These eyes, they see everything.
Now get in the car. Come on, let's go.
Ebony, ivory
living in perfect harmony
Ivory, ebony
So, how long have you two been together?
- Five months. - Six months.
Which one is it?
Well, see, Theresa counts from the first day that we met.
And I count from the first...
- How's the chicken here? - It's really good.
Did I tell you two girls...
that for the first dance, your father and I are gonna do the tango?
- The tango? - You and Dad?
You know what? Your father and I used to dance all the time when we were younger.
Sweetheart, I told you we're not doing a tango.
We're already saying our vows. That's enough.
We're doing the tango.
Sorry. I forgot to turn it off.
Know what? This is an important call. I'm just gonna...
No, you can take your call here. Sit down and take your call.
It's a business call. It's boring stuff.
Business is not boring. Simon, sit down and take your call.
Sit down.
- Hello. - Simon?
- Yeah, this is Simon. - Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier.
I hope Theresa makes good money as a photographer.
Someone started a rumor that you're being investigated...
by the Securities and Exchange Commission.
That is so Nathan to do something like that.
I think it's Nathan, too...
'cause this is the last thing he wants to see, is his best employee going to another firm.
You know me.
- I'm always up for a new challenge. - Are you listening to me?
- You've been blackballed. - Great!
Guy, it's not my fault. I'm just telling you what they told me.
I'll call you next week.
Did Nathan put you up for another award?
Nothing. It's embarrassing.
- Hello. Can I start you off with some drinks? - Vodka tonic.
Celebrating a great phone call.
Okay. Bring him his liquor, and bring the rest of us our usual.
They have iced tea and I have my lemonade.
Actually, I think I'm gonna have a glass of Pinot Grigio.
- And I'll have a Cosmo. - Me, too.
Okay. Bring them their alcohol and I'll have my usual lemonade.
Someone has to act responsibly around here.
So, Simon, I hear that you're a singer.
What are you, a soprano, an alto, or...
No? Maybe bass?
I don't really sing.
How long can you hold a note?
He can hold a note.
- Really? - For a very long time.
Sing something for me, baby.
Are you okay? Drink some water.
Jerry, Nathan's got my ankles to my earlobes right now. I'm gonna need...
I'm gonna need some cash.
Call me back as soon as you get this. I need a favor, okay?
You've got to be kidding me.
"Let me see your sexy body go..."
I knew you'd be down here sooner or later.
Did you bring some of that sexy lingerie for me to try?
What is wrong with you, boy? Don't you have your own underwear?
You like my space?
Yeah. It's very homey. Interesting odor.
I told you it had mold.
Did you come down here for this? Having a little trouble writing your vows?
That's none of your damn business.
I'm just saying, I could maybe help you come up with something romantic.
Don't start thinking that you know more about romance than I do.
With your hand-holding and feeding each other food...
and wiping off each other's faces.
That's bullshit.
Being married 25 years, that's real romance.
And believe me, it's a war. Brutal. Exhausting.
Sounds like someone just finished their vows.
- Ready for lights out? - Looks that way.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- What are you doing? - Getting ready to go to sleep.
- Here? You're sleeping here? - Right here.
- Don't you have a bed upstairs? - Sure do. So does Theresa.
By me sleeping here assures me that she'll get a good night's sleep...
all alone. Good night.
Sorry.
- What are you doing under there? - It's just a pillow.
- We might need a barrier. - A barrier for what?
I tend to move around a lot in my sleep.
How do you know you move around if you're asleep?
Theresa mentioned once that...
I mentioned it to her...
after someone else told me...
that wasn't Theresa.
Okay. We can talk about this, right? Theresa and I have a...
- No, you can't talk about it. ...healthy relationship...
- Stop! - We can't talk about this?
I don't wanna hear you talking about sleeping with my daughter.
You're sleeping with me now. Now, good night!
- Good morning. - Good morning.
You're up early.
Or late, depending on how you look at it.
- Coffee? - Yes. Bless you.
I don't know how you sleep with that man.
- Did he get in your space? - A little bit.
Did he spoon you?
It was more of a wedge maneuver.
Big man likes to cuddle in his sleep.
I just wish he were a little bit more cuddly when he was awake.
You know, when my father first met Percy Jones, he could not stand him.
Really?
But eventually they got along, right?
No.
- Good morning! - Good morning.
Good morning, babe.
- I missed you. - I missed you.
- Did you sleep well? - Yeah.
- Who's going with me to get some flowers? - I'll go.
Me, too, if we go early, because I have to work this afternoon.
Good morning!
You're looking awfully chipper this morning.
Something about knowing your daughter's not being violated relaxes a man.
I thought you said that mattress hurts your back.
No, not me. I could sleep on that mattress every night.
Every single night.
Good morning, boss. Got you some coffee.
- So, what's the verdict? - What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Theresa's new boyfriend.
What is he, a painter? Poet? Did he ask you to borrow some money?
My daughter's got great taste in men. That new guy, he's really something.
- Tell me a little bit about the brother. - Oh, man, thank you.
I'll tell you about the brother. He's a big guy. Nice looking.
- What's his name? - Jamal.
- Graduated Howard University. - Howard?
Played basketball.
He almost went pro. Till he changed his career to medicine.
There was a big write-up on him in Jet four years ago.
No shit.
Parents from Atlanta.
Friends with Mrs. King, Dr. Cosby, Rev. Jackson.
Come on now.
- Go down towards the middle. - Go down? Sit up a little bit.
- That's it? - Man, yeah.
I'm telling you, Reggie. I'm the luckiest man in Jersey.
My daughter's dating the great black hope.
- You got it. - That's it.
- Hold it right there. - I'm not gonna move.
Excuse me? Boss?
Simon Green here to see you.
Lifting, you know.
Cut that off, Reggie. Go on, take it out.
Come on, Reggie. Get on the ball around the...
I'll be right there.
I'll be right out. Give me... Sign something.
- Fred, who is Simon? - A friend of Theresa's, he says.
Oh, shit. He better hope Jamal don't find out.
- Be right with you, sir. - Great.
- Jerry? Hey. - Simon, what's up?
Listen. I need you to get me into that nanotech IPO. I want 10 blocks.
That's $50,000!
Did you inherit a boatload or something?
The initial public offering comes out on Tuesday. What do you expect me to do?
I know when it comes out. I set the damn date, okay?
Just buy it for me on margin.
Dude, you don't work here anymore.
I need this IPO to hold me over until I get another job.
I know you're really screwed right now...
but do you even have $50,000?
I'm gonna sell off my IRAs, okay? I'll have it in 10 days.
I can't do margin.
I need cash.
I'm in Jersey right now. Where am I gonna get cash?
I'm sure one of those chemical plants has an ATM machine.
All right, look. I'll get the cash. Just put in the order.
Cash by Tuesday.
I'll bring it to you personally on Monday.
Don't punk out on me.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
I feel like we didn't get off on the right foot yesterday...
so I thought maybe...
I'd come here and take you to lunch. Maybe we could bond a little.
I think we bonded just fine around 3:10 this morning when your knee was in my crotch.
Right.
I'll buy.
- You want to buy me lunch? - Yeah.
I figured it's the proper thing to do after sleeping with each other.
Okay.
- So, nice bank. - I'm glad you like it.
I like the small-town feel. It's less complicated.
Somebody needs money, they just come in and say:
"Percy, I need a loan."
Right?
And then, of course, you say, "Well, yeah. How much?"
They say, "I don't know. You tell me. $50,000?"
What, you need $50,000?
- Do I need $50,000? - Yeah.
No. I most assuredly do not.
I was just admiring the process.
How many cylinders does a NASCAR engine have, six or eight?
- How... - Yeah.
Six... or eight...
depending on the gas mileage consumption of the automobile.
You never worked in the pit at NASCAR. You might as well admit it.
All right, you know, fine.
I never really had an aptitude for engines.
Jay... Jeff...
Jeff Gordon didn't really trust me in the pit that much.
But you did drive the cars.
- Drive? - Yeah.
- Absolutely. - Good.
All right! Fine! I never drove NASCAR!
But I was nervous and I wanted to impress you.
You shouldn't have lied.
All right. This is the deal. We go one lap around.
If you beat me, I'll loan you the money.
- Really? - I knew it! I knew you needed the money.
I don't need the money!
Move over!
Yeah. Fool!
Sucker!
Move it, man!
What the hell are you doing?
- I think it's obvious who came in first. - You're doggone right. You know I won.
- I was through the bushes before... - I was through first. I had more speed.
I was through the bushes and on the asphalt...
- before you even were at the bushes. - Look.
Dispatch, this is 53 Charlie.
Brian, we got a problem. Two cars have jumped...
License and registration.
- Poppy! - There's my beautiful girl.
Simon, I want you to meet my granddad.
- Hi, there. Howard Jones. - Simon Green. Good to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Speed Racer. - Hey!
- What's with the white kid? - That's Simon. He's my boyfriend.
Your boyfriend? You didn't tell me he was white.
- Yes, I did. - When?
- Back at the home. - I thought you was kidding.
Okay. Well, I think that's it.
I think you're forgetting about the vodka.
Say grace, Percy.
Thank you, Lord. Amen.
- That was fast. - The Lord knows I'm busy.
- Simon, pass on the broccoli, please. - Yes, sir.
So, what, they don't have any available young black men in New York anymore?
They just ran out last week, Grandpa.
I'm just trying to figure out why you chose to go this way.
- Don't mind him. - It's okay.
My grandmother loved you when she first met you.
But later she said some things. I was like, "Wow, Grandma."
- What kind of things? - Yeah, what kind of things?
Nothing. Just things.
- Such as? - Yeah, such as?
- Daddy? I got it. - I know.
You know what? You're gonna laugh when you hear this.
She said that Theresa was a very pretty girl.
- That's so nice. - Good taste.
So I ask her what she liked about you the most, right?
She said...
She says, "I just love her cute, little, nappy little head."
- Your grandmother, where does she live? - Brooklyn. Why?
I just wanna know how far I'd have to travel to kick her old white ass, that's why!
Grandpa.
You don't call my grandchild no nappy head!
Did she say that while putting on a sheet for the Klan rally?
Settle down, now! Hand me the butter.
- My grandmother's not a malicious woman. - No, she's not.
She's 82. She comes from a different time.
I'm 74 and I come from a different time.
You don't hear me calling white folks honky and flat-ass!
- Casper. - Cracker.
- Ofay. - Peckerwood.
- Wonder bread. - Bird shit.
Bird shit?
It's almost white.
That's pretty good.
Howard. Percy!
It's okay.
I'm really sorry about what my grandmother said...
but there are some people you're just never gonna change...
- as much as you'd like to. - Yep.
I can tell you this. Last Thanksgiving...
my Uncle Dave said a black joke at the table, right?
So I said, right in front of the whole family, "Look, that's inappropriate.
"We're not gonna have it."
I think that's how you change people. You just gotta attack it one at a time.
Exactly.
What was the joke?
Excuse me?
Tell the joke.
- I don't remember it. - Sure you do. Tell the joke.
- Really, I don't remember it. It was... - Dad.
Chicken.
- Excuse me? - I didn't stutter.
Okay, you know what? I'll tell the joke.
- No, Simon. You don't... - Baby, it's okay.
I'll tell you why.
Because by not telling the joke, I'm empowering it. Right? So I'll just...
tell the joke and expose how simple-minded...
and crude and unfunny it actually is.
What do you call...
What do you call 100 black men...
buried in the ground up to their neck?
- What? - Afro-Turf.
- That's cute. - What are you laughing at?
- It's cute. - Cute don't make it funny.
Tell another.
- Dad, no. - Let the man tell a joke!
I don't know any other ones.
Obviously, I've heard other black jokes, but I think I've proven my point.
So it's okay to empower the other ones?
Okay. I see what you're doing here, you're putting me on the spot.
It's okay. Look, it's fine. 'Cause I'm not gonna back down.
Back down, Simon.
The only way to break down barriers is to have everything out in the open.
- Right? - Exactly.
So, what do you call...
one black man being chased by 300 white men?
- What? - The PGA Tour.
I get it.
Tiger Woods. There it is.
That's good.
Tell another one.
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?